The pediatrician sat me down and as kindly and calmly as one could, simply asked, “So, how is breastfeeding going?”
I sat in the chair across from her suddenly feeling very self-conscious of the nursing tank I had on that was holding in my modest little breasts that now, I sort of felt had failed me.
“Well,” I said, “I thought it was going fine. When she cries, I put the baby on the boob, she appears to drink. I usually have to work really hard to keep her awake. I tickler her back. Shake her feet. Talk to her. Kind of jiggle her a bit. She does seem to be a snoozy eater,” I said. “It feels like it takes FOREVER but I sort figured that was normal for a new baby and a new mom.”
The doctor nodded her head assuringly.
“Well,” she said, “that can be normal but, she isn’t gaining weight the way we want to see. Have you tried pumping to see how much comes out?”
“It never occurred to me to try that,” I said, sweat now dripping down the middle of my chest. The post-pregnancy and stress hormones were percolating, stirring up my insides and moistening up my outsides.
“Well,” she said, “are you terribly attached to breastfeeding?”
I, like pretty much every other new, soon-to-be-mom had been well indoctrinated through books, pamphlets, handouts and other “pregnancy swag” provided to me from doctor’s offices, nurses and lactation consultants at the hospital, the pediatricians office and from countless other get-ready-for-baby classes I had gone through during my pregnancy with all the most recent information on how much better breast milk is for babies than formula. From their brain to their gut to the bond it creates between mommy and baby, I knew “breast was best.”
But in that moment, I looked down at my baby nestled in my arms, her face gaunt and her body so light in my hands and I said, “I’m attached to my baby being fed.”
The doctor said, “Well, good. There are some moms who would be devastated if they had to use formula but that’s what I want you to start doing. I want you to start pumping, minimum 8 times a day, so about every three hours, around the clock. Pump until you’re empty which could take anywhere from 15-20 minutes. You can do it more frequently if you want to. You know, breastmilk is a supply and demand thing… the more you do it, the more your body will produce. That way you can get an idea of how much she’s getting from you and then supplement with formula for the rest.”
She stepped out of the room and came back with a bag full of single serving sample sizes of formula for me to try with my baby.
“We have several wonderful lactation consultants here, on-call 24/7 who can give you lots of great resources for ways to increase your own milk supply but for now, try her on the formula. See about how much she wants to take in at every meal and then see how much you’re producing on your own. You may not end up needing to supplement that much but for now our main goal is to get baby fed and gaining weight again.”
In that moment I mostly felt relief.
I had samples in hand. I had bottles at home I could get out, wash up and feed her with. I had a breast pump.
I hadn’t been wrong about her losing weight. I just wished I hadn’t waited so long. I wished I hadn’t second guessed my own instincts and waited this long to seek help for my baby.
I had a new plan.
It took a little while, but it wasn’t long before a myriad of other emotions flooded in surrounding my inability to breastfeed. I hadn’t realized how attached I was to breastfeeding or at least, to the idea of my body providing my baby with the sustenance she needed.
